FROM THE FILES OF SATAN'S MIGHTY-FINE® HANDSOAP

The Conspiracy Theory Of The X-TReme Left Wing

SATAN’S MIGHTY-FINE ®:

Lather, rinse, repeat. Removes all stains, leaves your hands refreshed and your conscience clear.

The “Go To” soap of Neoliberals the world over.

“No better handsoap on the market. I scrub twice a day!” —Joe Biden

“Never felt cleaner!” —Hillary Clinton

“Better than Clorox Bleach!” —Donald Trump

“Almost a religious experience!” —Pontius Pilate

Founded on the belief that we on the left have just as fertile imaginations as all those clowns on the right. Okay, so maybe we can't compete with the likes of pedophile child-eating Democrats taking over remote pizza parlors; mass school shootings portrayed as false-flag operations in order to promote gun-control (with actors playing the part of cops, wounded children, and grieving parents); or candidates declared the winners of elections which they clearly lost. We freely acknowledge that probably none of our fables will ever achieve the potency sufficient to inspire an attempted coup on the U.S. Capitol. Yet, however convincing our theories prove to be, even to ourselves, we like to think we can still tell a hawk from a handsaw.

CONSPIRACY THEORY NO.1:

WHAT THE FUCK IS GLOBAL WARMING? IS IT REAL, OR, ARE ALL THOSE SCIENTISTS JUST DEAD WRONG?

To which we reply, well, if it ain't real, it sure as hell looks like something's pretty fucked up.

It just seems hard not to notice the convergence of so many strange and baffling events: disappearing glaciers, melting ice caps, mega hurricanes, colossal fire storms, plagues, famine, God’s Wrath, and so on. . .

On the plus side, just imagine how awful things would be if all those scientists were right!

Having looked at the problem from every conceivable angle, we conclude that whether or not one believes in Global Warming is beside the point. In fact, it doesn't appear to matter either way. Think of it as something akin to belief in God or unicorns. Now, we know a lot of folks on the Right seem to believe their fair-haired boy won the election (all except Liz Cheney, of course); quite a few confederates called for hanging our Vice President from a gibbet erected outside the Capitol. (And, say, has it really not occurred to anyone that if they’ll lynch a nice bland white boy like Mike Pence, what might be in store for Kamala?)

This seems to demonstrate that Americans have never been short on make-believe. But hold on: they can't all be stupid, can they? Okay, so, you don't like the phrase, “Global Warming.” It rubs you the wrong way. Sure, I get it. It’s a “liberal” thing. But deep down you do know—you have to know—there is something seriously wrong out there. Right? It's just that to acknowledge it as real could threaten your profits. So, it’s not really that you’re stupid, as much as just plain fuckin' greedy. Again, I get it. I’m greedy, too! Hell, we all are! We all have a price, after all, don’t we? It’s just that, well, I guess some can be bought cheaper than others.

Meanwhile, you elves on the Left (which is really The Right pretending to be The Left) seem to believe Global Warming is real, but have chosen to ignore it, preferring instead to double-down on your age-old belief that the Russians are Evil and need to be vanquished.

Let's face it: What sounds like more fun? Tackling a twisty, thorny, problem that left ignored will probably result in the demise of life on earth due to mass crop failure and lack of water? Or. . . marching on the Godless Orcs, even if the result is a speedier extermination by way of a nuclear holocaust? Surely the second option is the more appealing, sexier choice. Ready-made for the Big Screen, even if no one is left alive to watch the film. It's only natural that all God-fearing Patriotic Gun-Toting Americans would prefer death by way of the second option. It also retains the Biblical fragrance of a Crusade, something few Americans can resist. There's also the Rapture angle, whereby—in the words of the Apostle, “the living and the resurrected dead will be caught up together in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.”

Or in this case, just one cloud. . .

“THE PROBLEM”: WHAT TO CALL IT

It does seem pointless to give it a name, since no one really wants to think about it. Meanwhile, we here at Satan’s Mighty-fine® are kicking around some names other than the one the liberal scientists have come up with: “Global Warming”? How unimaginative! We think we can do better. For starters, how about “Perpetual Sunshine”? Or “Endless Summer”? That was a surfer movie, wasn't it? Well, there you are, then, the perfect name!

What's this compulsion to name everything, anyway? What's the point? 99% of the 4 billion species that evolved on earth are already fucking gone; another million, more or less, are on their way out. Once they're gone, who the fuck cares what they were called? Yes, now and then some sentimental dolt doffs his bowler in fond remembrance of the passenger pigeon or the dodo, but not with any deep sense of nostalgia. And who on earth has even heard of the giant moa, the Ascension crake or Osgood's Ethiopian toad? As for the ones about to go under, obviously, we don't care what they're called now or perhaps we'd be doing more to protect their fragile habitats, including our own.

Then, of course, there's us. Good old Homo-Sapiens. Obsessed over guns, gays, abortion, war, money, religion, and anyone who isn't white. Once we're gone—which may not be long from now—I think we can safely say there won't be anyone who will give a flying bat turd who or what we were, either, regardless of your color, sexual orientation, or your lousy religion! God will still be in his heaven—or maybe not. But all will finally be right with the world. A smoking, spoiled ruin, but peaceful. Three cheers for Mankind!

OUR SOLUTION

Yes, we do have a solution, one which probably won't meet with the approval of the environmentalists. Our apologies to the Greta Thunbergs, the tree-sitters, our gallant water protectors, the Green Peacers, all the other dreamers and idealists. No doubt about it, you fought the Good Fight. But let's face it: the struggle you've been locked into so tirelessly and for so long, was one you could never win. It's not your fault. Your opponent was just too formidable. Think of it as a contest between two boxers—a high school featherweight on the one hand, versus. . .Mike Tyson—in his prime. Yes, the same Mike Tyson who bit off a chunk of Evander Holyfield's ear and spat it out in the ring during their 1997 championship bout, and who has now reinvented himself as an entrepreneur peddling ear-shaped cannabis-infused edibles. Twenty gummies for just $29. Of his “Mike Bites,” the former champ assures us, “These ears actually taste good!” You see, all you tree-huggers?—you never had a chance.

To the winning side—all you over-stuffed, rapacious Capitalists, our congratulations. You have won!

We realize it's probably not worth mentioning that your winning will ultimately bring you the same demise as the rest of us—obviously, it hasn't sunk in, yet—so, we will simply cut to The Solution.

Again, just the facts: We're facing the worst drought in 1,200 years. Entire towns are going up in flames, while millions of acres of woodland are reduced to ashes. Once the flames are quelled, the pine-beetle goes to work on the rest. This pesky little demon ranges from Canada to Mexico, from sea level to 11,000 feet. In normal times, hard winters kill the pine-beetle eggs and larvae. But we're no longer living in normal times, so the epidemic is now vast and devastating.

It's time to think pragmatically. Or—like a Capitalist! If you can't beat 'em, we say, JOIN 'EM! To them, the world was never a delicate “ecosystem” that must be nurtured and cared for. It is, rather, simply, a vast supermarket, a Super Walmart, if you will—one that just happens to be on the verge of bankruptcy. Time for a FIRE SALE! We must try to save what's left, while buying ourselves a little more time. But how do we do that?

A MODEST PROPOSAL:

1. Open up all the remaining woodlands—the national parks and forests, the state parks and nature preserves, the oceans, the so-called “sacred lands,” the whole works—open it all! To logging, mining and gas drilling. The redwoods, of course, will have to go—not a new concept, after all. Fifty years ago, Ronald Reagan questioned the need to save more than a sampling: “A tree is a tree,” he opined, “how many more do you need to look at?” Well, honestly, did you ever see such a charming fellow!

2. Once the legal roadblocks are removed, all the protesters under lock and key, it should not be long before all the remaining woodland not yet perished in flames, or digested by bugs, is harvested, milled into lumber, and stockpiled for future use.

   We need only allow the vulture capitalist empire free rein (even more than it already has) to continue doing what it does best. Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Bill Gates. . . the billionaire wolves will surely be licking their chops at the thought of owning all that remains of America's trees. Bezos, for example—already an expert in the fine art of mammoth warehouse construction—should easily be able to build the even more immense cement barns in which to store those mega-reserves of lumber. (No doubt, he would naturally frame it as “saving the trees.”)

3. Once the trees have been removed, the land bulldozed and cleared, including all the open prairie and grasslands, we recommend covering the whole joint over with beautiful, bright green artificial turf. Virtually inflammable! This alone, we believe, should reduce the immediate danger from fire to near zero-percent. Yes, some other problems may crop up, but at least, we won't have that one anymore. At least not for awhile. Maybe.

   

We must understand what's at stake, here. At the current rate forests are disappearing along with entire towns, including billions of dollars in housing and other property, it should be obvious that the sooner we harvest what's left, the better off we will all be. Not in the long term, of course—there being no “long term” left to consider—but strictly in the short term, however long that is. According to our current projections, we think it not unreasonable to assume at least one more generation for humankind on Earth. Not bad!

Obviously, this project calls for a major shift in our thinking. Beginning now, we must cease thinking of trees as lines of poetry—“I think that I shall never see / A poem lovely as a tree. . .”—yes, a kindly, quaint, old sentiment. But this has got to stop. Unfortunately, the time for sentiment has passed. Now's the time for rational thinking. Can we any longer afford to think of a tree as a thing of beauty? Or is it merely the stuff of nightmares? A wondrous creation of God? Or kindling that threatens not only our homes, but our very existence?

More and more, to ask if we can continue to live with trees is to question whether we can live with fire.

It’s up to you, my brothers and sisters!