FROM THE FILES OF SATAN'S MIGHTY-FINE® HANDSOAP

The Conspiracy Theory Of The XTReme Left Wing

SATAN’S MIGHTY-FINE ®:

Lather, rinse, repeat. Removes all stains, leaves your hands refreshed and your conscience clear.

The “Go To” soap of Neoliberals the world over.

“No better handsoap on the market. I scrub twice a day!” —Joe Biden

“Never felt cleaner!” —Hillary Clinton

“Better than Clorox Bleach!” —Donald Trump

“Almost a religious experience!” —Pontius Pilate

Founded on the belief that we on the left have just as fertile imaginations as all those clowns on the right. Okay, so maybe we can't compete with the likes of pedophile child-eating Democrats taking over remote pizza parlors; mass school shootings portrayed as false-flag operations in order to promote gun-control (with actors playing the part of cops, wounded children, and grieving parents); or candidates declared the winners of elections which they clearly lost. We freely acknowledge that probably none of our fables will ever achieve the potency sufficient to inspire an attempted coup on the U.S. Capitol. Yet, however convincing our theories prove to be, even to ourselves, we like to think we can still tell a hawk from a handsaw.

CONSPIRACY THEORY NO.1:

WHAT THE FUCK IS GLOBAL WARMING? IS IT REAL, OR, ARE ALL THOSE SCIENTISTS JUST DEAD WRONG?

To which we reply, well, if it ain't real, it sure as hell looks like something's pretty fucked up. . .

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